[Gokudera would feel bad for making Beck flinch but... he warned him. For some reason Quentin cares about him, and he's not really in a great or reasonable emotional state. He's angry and hurt and confused and frustrated and he's trying to listen to his friend.]
He's the one hurting me, Quentin!
So then... what... I can't love anyone? Cause I'm just gonna lose them?! I'm not going to live out the rest of my stupid fucking life in this place only being concerned about getting my dick wet!
If he wanted a casual relationship, he should have said that instead of... insisting we date before he'd even consider contracting. BOTH of those things were HIS idea! [He curses in Italian and throws his hands up.]
You know I'm no expert about... any of this. Dating. Relationships. I'm learning as I go too, regardless of age I don't think feelings are always going to match. You feel what you feel. So that was an unfair statement on his part, I think.
Things can change. Feelings can change. But that doesn't mean you don't feel 'em.
I told you I got into a fight with him, and you asked if I wanted to talk about it. We don't have to fucking talk about it, Quentin.
[He doesn't like to think that maybe Beck is trying to see things from Wrio's side. Gokudera is angry with as much as he loves the man.]
I didn't expect him to return them or for them to match! The only person who does isn't even allowed to like me! Do you have any idea how that feels?! To have to hide that?!
I don't want to feel a damned thing! I shouldn't have opened my stupid fucking mouth!
[Gokudera had hoped to get his anger out in the wreck room. He didn't accomplish that, clearly.]
[He looks startled as that isn't what he meant at all and he was only trying to defend Gokudera's feelings.]
Uh, I didn't mean match with each other... I just meant... I'm not even sure if I can explain it clearly.
[He's confused.]
People feel things and all ages feel things. At least in the moment they feel like they mean something and are real. And sometimes they are real... I guess. But they don't always match with... the future.
[And he appreciates that Quentin can understand that.]
I don't know... I... I don't think so.
[He hopes it's not them breaking up. His heart drops right into his stomach and his brow knits and he's pulling out his device to send a pleading, hurried, apologetic text to Wriothesley.]
[Beck glances at Gokudera's frantic texting but then looks away, feeling very out of his depth. It's their private matter and sure, he'd asked about it, but that didn't mean he knew what the right thing to say was. He always felt a bit lost when Gokudera was upset. Having friends was difficult...]
[Gokudera sends the text and stands there for a moment, waiting to see if Wrio is even going to read it. He does, but there's no hint of a response. The teen can feel tears well up in his eyes and he locks the device, gripping it so tightly he wants to throw it.]
He's ignoring me.
[And he starts walking again, better to just... go home.]
[Gokudera doesn't know what to do. He can't do anything, but... this isn't the first time he's had his feelings hurt. He'll tough this out like he does everything else, but it's creating an ache already. It's the middle of the night when they do get back home, and Gokudera can tell Wrio has stopped by... has grabbed some of his things.
The room feels more empty, and he feels sick. He smells of champagne and sulfur and he's toeing his shoes off at the door.]
I'm gonna... take a shower and try to get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow...
[Beck's voice is quiet and he just opens his arms, indicating a possible hug. He doesn't want his friend to feel so bad and knows he can't do much but offer his support - whether or not Gokudera is in the mood to take it right now. He doesn't want to push him into it. It just didn't feel right to begin a new year like this]
[He stops, takes a deep breath, then glances over at Beck. Gokudera feels like he's ruined something precious.
And his best friend came all the way to the down to walk him home. In the cold, and in uncomfortable, worried silence. He looks at those open arms and walks right over to him, allowing the embrace as new tears start to stream down his face.]
[Beck enfolds him in a tight, supportive hug, sad that he feels he can't do more to cheer his BUFF up with words but wanting to at least let him silently know he has his back.]
[Gokudera wants to scream and destroy things, and... he'll do that at work later. For now, he's just... hugging Beck, trying not to dwell on how he'd spent the last few weeks excitedly thinking about a future with Wrio. About how happy he'd been and now it's just... painful acceptance that his feelings are a burden.
Maybe he can just feel happy vicariously through his friends for a while... Gokudera reaches a hand up to pat at Beck's arm while he pulls away from the hug. It's pitiful assurance, but maybe the attempt with count for something.]
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Date: 2023-12-29 01:29 am (UTC)From:He's the one hurting me, Quentin!
So then... what... I can't love anyone? Cause I'm just gonna lose them?! I'm not going to live out the rest of my stupid fucking life in this place only being concerned about getting my dick wet!
If he wanted a casual relationship, he should have said that instead of... insisting we date before he'd even consider contracting. BOTH of those things were HIS idea! [He curses in Italian and throws his hands up.]
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Date: 2023-12-29 01:49 am (UTC)From:Things can change. Feelings can change. But that doesn't mean you don't feel 'em.
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Date: 2023-12-29 02:06 am (UTC)From:[He doesn't like to think that maybe Beck is trying to see things from Wrio's side. Gokudera is angry with as much as he loves the man.]
I didn't expect him to return them or for them to match! The only person who does isn't even allowed to like me! Do you have any idea how that feels?! To have to hide that?!
I don't want to feel a damned thing! I shouldn't have opened my stupid fucking mouth!
[Gokudera had hoped to get his anger out in the wreck room. He didn't accomplish that, clearly.]
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Date: 2023-12-29 03:16 am (UTC)From:Uh, I didn't mean match with each other... I just meant... I'm not even sure if I can explain it clearly.
[He's confused.]
People feel things and all ages feel things. At least in the moment they feel like they mean something and are real. And sometimes they are real... I guess. But they don't always match with... the future.
[Now he's just confusing himself.]
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Date: 2023-12-29 03:28 am (UTC)From:[Gokudera stops and just stares at him.]
I know feelings change. But I don't know how much of a future I'll have ahead of me.
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Date: 2023-12-29 03:31 am (UTC)From:So you... There's no more contract? You and him...? Broke up?
[From one extreme to the other; he's used to having the worst case scenario.]
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Date: 2023-12-29 03:46 am (UTC)From:[And he appreciates that Quentin can understand that.]
I don't know... I... I don't think so.
[He hopes it's not them breaking up. His heart drops right into his stomach and his brow knits and he's pulling out his device to send a pleading, hurried, apologetic text to Wriothesley.]
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Date: 2023-12-29 03:57 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2023-12-29 04:05 am (UTC)From:He's ignoring me.
[And he starts walking again, better to just... go home.]
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Date: 2023-12-29 04:24 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2023-12-29 04:33 am (UTC)From:The room feels more empty, and he feels sick. He smells of champagne and sulfur and he's toeing his shoes off at the door.]
I'm gonna... take a shower and try to get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow...
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Date: 2023-12-29 04:37 am (UTC)From:[Beck's voice is quiet and he just opens his arms, indicating a possible hug. He doesn't want his friend to feel so bad and knows he can't do much but offer his support - whether or not Gokudera is in the mood to take it right now. He doesn't want to push him into it. It just didn't feel right to begin a new year like this]
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Date: 2023-12-29 04:51 am (UTC)From:And his best friend came all the way to the down to walk him home. In the cold, and in uncomfortable, worried silence. He looks at those open arms and walks right over to him, allowing the embrace as new tears start to stream down his face.]
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Date: 2023-12-29 05:14 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2023-12-29 05:29 am (UTC)From:Maybe he can just feel happy vicariously through his friends for a while... Gokudera reaches a hand up to pat at Beck's arm while he pulls away from the hug. It's pitiful assurance, but maybe the attempt with count for something.]
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Date: 2023-12-29 05:37 am (UTC)From:[Probably not going to sleep anytime soon.]
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Date: 2023-12-29 05:40 am (UTC)From:[Time to ugly cry in the shower and blame it on 'getting shampoo in his eyes']